Wondering about bipolar and bisexuality: conflict within my sexuality concerns not being able to trust my own instincts.
“Guys love it when I tell them that I’m ‘bi’, l let them figure out the ‘polar’ part for themselves.” *** does depend on my mood though…
“Although I consider myself heterosexual, when I’m manic, anything goes. What does this say about sex and the brain? “
My extreme moods are when I’m usually more interested in women, my more ‘normal’ and stable moods usually opt for ‘straight’ me. Depression just leads to zero drive. Im attracted to both sexes, but its usually completely dependent on the intensity of my mood swings. How can a person trust their instincts and go into a relationship when its dependent on a simple switch of a mood, it becomes a very unclear state of mind.
Easiest way to put it: during hypomania: its like BAM: you’re bisexual, must buy button-ups and male cologne, in the months that follow I won’t even have a single female orientated fantasy and be adamant that I’m straight. It gets expensive maintaining both a straight and gay wardrobe.
My psychologist has put it down to my early 20’s where sexual exploration is natural. After doing some reading it is becoming a lot clearer that many other people with BP2 also experience extreme shifts in their sexual orientation during periods of hypomania. I’m not saying that hypomania causes bisexuality, just that the sex drive is increased and the impulsivity is heightened. I’m starting to wonder what the outcome will be when my mood stabilizers and I realize I am in a monogamous lesbian relationship. Should be interesting. Fuck.
Each person’s hypomanic episode can vary substantially. I believe I’ve had numerous hypomanic episodes that had gone unrecognized for the past 2 years. People with bipolar disorder mostly seek help only during depressive states. Each episode has also been slightly different, but always featuring insomnia, high productivity, motivational happiness, sexual drive and irritability. I think that they need to expand on hypomania; the DSM-IV Criteria doesn’t recognize that hypomania seems to have a variety of stages within the actual episode.
I’m currently hypomanic at the moment, its 2am and I’m at my laptop, I’ve taken mood stabilizers today and insomnia tablets, yet I’m still awake. I feel productive when I write at the moment; the night-time has definitely become my time of focus. Not all of my hypomanic episodes have been like this, some were beyond awful, with bouts of crying/laughing simultaneously, tension headaches, head chatter/static/white noise (whichever you prefer) and the inability to focus on a task without getting agitated and eventually irritated, this isn’t including the racing thoughts that leave me sitting in the one position without recognizing the time passing, the worst hypomanic episode I experienced was co-morbid with dissociation caused by antidepressants. My thoughts seemed like they weren’t my own, that I was looking at all these social instances from a macro level instead of my perceived micro level perception. The dissociation caused me extreme anxiety whereby I couldn’t function properly for two days and was taken off the medication.
At 22, I’ve become extremely new to BP2, the mirtazapine that had been prescribed to help with my anxiety led to feelings of dissociation/hysteria and sent me into a hypomanic state which I’m still trying to understand. There are a lot of doctors who seem completely indifferent when handing out prescriptions for antidepressants. When did psychopharmacology become handouts? This type of medicated self-indulgence is trial and error, with a lot of the medication eliciting negative side effects. The understanding of psychopharmacology is so limited that people with bipolar disorder are more likely to experience more adverse side effects than the actual disorder.