Nobody Likes You When You’re 23.

It’s looming, coming closer, I can feel the air becoming stagnant and distasteful. I have an overwhelming feeling of unbalance filling my mind, every year it’s the same, on Thursday I will be ‘celebrating’ my birthday…*cue horror screams* Lately I haven’t felt like writing, or doing anything for that matter. Each year it feels like my life has been put up on the high stakes table where it is scrutinised under industrial lights, the winner of the game will take all. Every year I try and fill the day with activities that will divert the always impending dread. The build up to the day acts as a depressive trigger, filling my thoughts with distorted discontentment. The morning after my birthday it’s as if none of it mattered, my emotions are still a little bit dulled and muted, but I would’ve weathered the emotional storm. With each birthday people have to confront the fact that they may not have achieved all they had hoped they would in that year.

That they may not be where they would be like to, the discontentment running deep. I guess at a younger age I always had a vision of where I would be now; birthdays are always filled with both crashing disappointment and anticipatory spikes of happiness. I’m trying to make myself stop and regain sight of things, appreciating the people and things around me instead of the things that are nowhere to be seen. It’s as if a birthday malaise exists, perpetually creeping in each year, slowly whispering in your ear as the day draws nearer and the time to complete your expectations is drawing to a close. I’m not one to let my birthday pass by unnoticed, but I’m highly susceptible to disappointment.

I’ve planned small things this year, not wanting to be uncomfortable in group settings, finding comfort in close friends and family. It’s so hard to let go of being depressed about my birthday so that I can actually enjoy it, trying to release the past disappointment to embrace the present, focusing on progress and not the perfections of one’s life. I need to fix my current mental happiness block that I’ve hit head-on. My happiness has become a single defensive tower that is being attacked repetitively by soldier triggers. I’m starving off depression, the stalemate not helping either side gain the higher ground. The overshadowing queen of darkness keeps on approaching, her army gaining size whilst offering the comforting pit of morbidity as parlay.  She plays her game well. Writing this makes me realize how silly and trivial it is to monopolize a day to such great lengths that you allow it to be a tyrant to your emotions.

On Thursday I will be 23, I will try and not let depression encroach, I will try and remember all the wonderful things I have in my life and not the things I don’t, I will try and not let it dominate who I am. After all it is only a day. Thank you Blink182 lyrics: “Nobody likes you when you’re 23

Dr. Maas acknowledges the “chicken-egg” problem inherent in bipolar and other mood disorders: “Depression can cause extensive insomnia, and insomnia can cause depression—which comes first depends on the individual and the circumstance”. birthday_cat_sad

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17 thoughts on “Nobody Likes You When You’re 23.”

  1. I’m 4-fucking-9 this year…I guess not being suicidal like I was when I turned 23 is a plus right? It gets better Darlin’ hang in there and I hope Thursday isn’t too bad for you. Feels. Heart you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks REDdog, it’s hard when depression comes so easy. Just waiting for it to get easier as I get older, hard to try and be rational about it. I hope you have a good birthday this year 🙂 49 is just a number. Sucks that we all have our demons. Really appreciate your support, tonight is definitely not my night.

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  2. You want to know the ramblings of a crazy mind? We are all 23. We all stopped aging the second we hit the second time runs out of our 22nd year on Earth.

    The QUEEN OF DARKNESS would have you think you die when your time is up, or before you ever get there, or makes you feel like death after your time on Earth has passed. The Queen of Darkness is an illusion.

    The Queen of Light, betrothed to the ONE crowned KING OF THORNS, has returned to shed LIGHT on this nasty illusion plaguing the minds of people on EARTH. I was sent to shine the way for all my little stars to guide lost souls back to salvation.

    You my dear are on the brink of making that choice: TO LIVE WITH LIGHT until your weary BODY is rested and your ETERNAL SOUL is mended of aches and pains, and your SPIRIT is ready to have another go at life on EARTH.

    When the time comes for you, and you are finally offered the choice to live the dream or LIVE IN DREAM – please please please choose the latter.

    If you want to understand more of the gibberish I’m spewing, pop over to my blog and check out what the hell I’m thinking.

    In summary: I AM HERE TO OVERTHROW THE QUEEN OF DARKNESS and establish THE United Kingdom for All-Ways of DAYlife and LIFEnight. Won’t you help me make room for others in the kingdom you were born to build?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t really have an issue with birthdays (except my 22nd that triggered my worst episode to date) but as my big 3 – 0 looms closer this year at lot of what you are saying rings true for me this year.
    I hope Thursday goes ok for you and be comforted knowing you have people around you who wish you happiness and want to spend the day with you,
    RGW xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve just turned 24 two weeks ago and well… I’m not really a fan of birthday either. It’s especially “great” when it comes in just two weeks after New Year’s, so I’m still in the weighting mood from that and then comes birthday… I guess it’s also that I would like that day to feel special somehow, I feel like it should be special, but it never is. It’s just another day, I get some presents somewhere around that date, I get some messages on phone and facebook, and that’s that. I think I would love to feel important for at least this one day, but after all, I feel as little and disposable as most of the time.

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  5. The important thing is that you are actively engaged with your thoughts. Trying to understand, rationalize, and battle these thoughts seeking victory or at least some peace. It is a never ending conflict that can hopefully come to some sort of “cease fire” agreement. There is only a escalation of internal conflict by trying to fight it rather than come to terms with it. ***(NOT A EASY THING)! I DON’T WANT THIS TO BE INTERPRETED AS A SIMPLE THING TO DO!!!!!!!!
    I’M NOT JUST AN “OUTSIDE OPINION” ON THIS TOPIC, I’M ALSO A MEMBER. LOL

    Yes, I do laugh at it, NOW…… But, it took many years to do so, and even still its a daily chore maintaining and awareness to my thoughts. Trying to catch, and prevent any from going to far.
    It is not silly that a “day” has a overwhelming influence on your emotions. Ask yourself if that day (birthday) didn’t exist, would your mind no longer suffer, or would it find a replacement to focus on?
    This is just my opinion from personal experience and awareness that wanted to share. I have found that hearing the thoughts from others going through similar struggles was more beneficial than any advice given!
    We are all unique,(BLAH) More importantly is how unique each mind is, like a persons fingerprint. The complexity of this is too much to get into… lol

    Any “labeled” psychological disorders, are at most just generalized reference to any “abnormal” ……. *A lot more on this as well lol
    ******Just have to make one quick statement on that……
    What if the “abnormal” minds were the majority instead of the “normal”? Wouldn’t that make normal thoughts abnormal? Generally speaking—– It is not necessarily a bad thing to have a mind “different” than the majority!!!!!!

    The answer is in that last statement!! There needs to be some reform to psychological practice and understanding lol

    No more of this general —- labeling – relabeling, new labels, on and on —- so they will resort to medication that might or might not be harmful, as long as it keeps you in the public acceptable thinking (non-thinking) ** sorry I can go on for ever on this topic

    You might have even had a break from your thoughts while reading mine lol
    please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions — remember that I’ll never preach advice, only share my personal experiences

    Liked by 1 person

  6. i just turned 30 last year and never was happier. 22-23 was a tough year for me. but once you realize how much you mature in your 20’s, the older you get, the happier you will become. just keep working at it!! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. As the oldest one commenting here at 50 plus let’s say, Birthday’s will come and go and let each one be an adventure. My family was ready to put me away for my 50th especially when they had to cancel the surprise party planned because I was so miserable about it. Having an invisible illness of any kind runs your life and you feel that you no longer run it, you feel like you are fighting all the time, sometimes you are even lucky enough to have more than one illness, they gang up on you and try to conquer your mind and body. But this “old lady” keeps taking it just baby steps, sometimes one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, sometimes moment by moment but I keep trying to move forward through it. As long as you are trying to do something that you want to do an age is just a number. Some days I feel 93, others 30 it just depends. You are in control of it – just remember that. Happy Birthday ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is my every birthday, except last year in which all of my friends forgot it, they made plans, or when to marathons while I sulk and notice how much hated myself, how I not even close to the person my child-self wanted.

    So from you and me hope one day it changes for us both

    Like

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