Ok, so these jokes aren’t created by me, but they are extremely funny and made my night (yes I’m still awake, geez I love insomnia).
Comedy for coping
How many Bipolar People does it take to change a light-bulb?
It depends on what mood they’re in.
Just because everyone’s out to get me doesn’t mean I’m not paranoid.
Instead of a sign that says “Do Not Disturb” I need one that says “Already Disturbed Proceed With Caution.”
Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
- If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.
- If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship. ??If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press since no one will answer.
- If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
You Know You’re Bipolar If:
- What do you mean you’re tired—I had only 3 orgasms!
- You know the names of at least three antidepressants and fifteen
- You bring your own research to the doctor’s.
- Last night you understood the secrets to the universe and this
morning you are contemplating whether the jam goes on top of the peanut butter or under it.
Bipolar? Me? I prefer the term emotionally *action-packed*.
I’m 50 shades of bipolar and have no ‘safe word’. You have been warned.
I’m pretty sure they call it PMS because that’s way easier to say than estrogen produced, manic depressive bipolar disorder prone to psychopathic rage.
I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and I have mixed feelings about it.
How many bipolars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Eight. One to drop the first lightbulb because his/her hands are shaking so badly from the Depakote. The second to wait for the Social Security check to get the money to pay for the lighbulb that the first one broke. The third to go to the hardware store to buy another lightbulb and forget what they went there for because of the Lithium and then remember and turn around to go back, only to forget the lightbulb wattage and have to call the first to ask. The fourth to come out of a depression into a total mania on Celex and max out their credit cards on new fixtures and 1000 lightbulbs. The fifth to take the fourth to the hospital. The sixth, the suicidally depressed one, who doesn’t believe that there is a point to screwing in a lightbulb because all of life is darkness. And the seventh to take the sixth to the hospital. Finally, the eigth comes along pre-diagnosis, screws in the lightbulb with no problem and then goes to the psychiatrist and gets SCREWED UP!
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
-Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
“Telling someone who is manic that she’s manic is like telling a dictator that he’s a dick. Neither is going to admit it, and both are willing to torture you to prove their points.”
“Everyone wants to be a Genius. But only the brave choose to go mad to get there…”
“There were a few things scarier than a bipolar vampire off his meds, but to be honest, not that many.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF BIPOLAR DISORDER
1.Thou shalt not blame everything on chemical imbalance.
2.Thou shalt avoid high places and sharp objects when on either extreme of the
3.Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s shiny trinkets.
4.Thou shalt not trust any shrink who writes thee up a prescription after the first 15 minutes.
5.Thou shalt not beat up anyone while on a manic fit, no matter how much ye really want to,
or how much they deserve it.
6.Thou shalt indulge in immaturity whenever the urge strikes thee.
7.Thou shalt not break stuff that does not belong to thee.
8.Thou shalt go to bed only when ye feel tired.
9.Thou shalt allow others to occasionally get a word in edgewise.
10.Thou shalt not send people crazy e-mails at odd hours of the night