Tag Archives: coping

Dear Sleep: You Suck. Love Alice. (Happiness And Other Stuff, You’re Still Cool)

Are you coffee or vodka? Maybe you’re both. Happiness, hormones and sleep. 

Swallowing my sleep chemical cocktail, wishing it was wine. The booze was better than this tablet induced hangover. My elusive sleep plagued by parasomnia.

1 tablet
Nothing.

2 tablets
Nothing.

3 tablets
Nothing.

4 tablets
Sleep.

On the bright-side I’ve taken a proactive approach towards a healthier lifestyle…minus the drugs, but other than that I’ve been exercising and eating right. Fighting the bulge of medication, 1kg at a time. Life is better, the positives out weighing any negatives. I know I complain a lot about medication, but truth be told I’m too scared to go off them, afraid that it might ruin my nice new balance I have going. I’m vain enough that I care about my weight, my BMI normal, but that is never enough, I’m a perfectionist, I want my mind and body to reflect my current happiness. Sometimes it’s a hopeless intangible pursuit, other times anything can be possible. I’m writing less, no longer driven by the need to put my emotional turmoil of feelings into words, no longer motivated by depression. Depression makes good writing. Whinging is unbecoming, but it is also the recognition of dissatisfaction. Maybe I am just on the upwards spin of the bipolar spectrum, but all the same: I just don’t care; life can be good without it having to be on any emotional spectrum.

In the context of Bipolar Disorder there are high comorbidities associated between perfectionism/ anxiety and their relationship with bipolarity. Bipolar Disorder has a high co-occurrence with eating disorders, eating disorders often linked with a need for perfection. I’m not sure if people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder have a higher likelihood of being perfectionists (would love to hear people’s personal experiences), the perfectionism of Bipolar Disorder is often motivated through anxiety, anxiety causing the person to see the inadequacies of their life. More often than not, binge eating is common among people with Bipolar Disorder, I will admit I have binge eaten, often in the search for a quick endorphin fix which will starve off negative emotions for a short time. The quick “fix” of endorphins can be seen through, sex, drugs and over eating/exercising, becoming a quest for endorphins. We try to manufacture our own happiness, these addictions often a response to depressive emotions. Through endorphins we experience contentment and euphoria. Realising that you can’t be a seeker for the bigger endorphin rushes, endorphins should become a more natural balance to encourage long term contentment.

endorphin_by_lepusplus-d80chg6Apparently people who are deficient in endorphins should eat protein with each meal, but I’m not sure how scientific that belief is. However, dopamine is released by foods with high protein, dopamine being a positive mood enhancing hormone. Looking at the more natural ways to deal with anxiety/depression – sunlight (serotonin),  exercise (endorphins), protein (dopamine), Phenylethamine (chocolate) and Ghrelin (for relief of stress – released when we are hungry, although this needs to be balanced by normal food intake, over-eating doesn’t maintain good levels). All these hormones can only be long term effective if you fix the root cause of your unhappiness, over doing it with any one hormone will not be beneficial in the long run. Moderating and persistence is key.

This was meant to be a post that focused more on sleep, as usual I get side tracked, and I also intended the post to be short…whoops.

Image by ElusiveDreams07 titled ‘Sleep Paralysis’

Image by Lepusplus titled ‘Endorpin’

Go Away Anxiety, You Have No Friends.

Having an anxiety attack is no walk in the park, it’s really quite disturbing, you believe that something is physically wrong with your body. I begin by having non-stop over-analytical thoughts followed by light headiness, limp arms and heartburn/palpitations that can last hours (I never get heartburn unless I’m experiencing anxiety), to say the least it isn’t a cup of tea. In my own way I triggered my anxiety by having distrust in another, I couldn’t stop myself. Anxiety can be like a dictating sovereign, ruling your moves and planting seeds of doubt in your foundations. I start to see every opposing and unbalancing situation in my life as a battle, a battle that has to be won, sacrificing your casualties and making the most of the fighting force that you have left. Why does everything have to be war though, bleak, desolate and crippling.

The aftermath of a war sometimes having more devastating consequences than the actual battle. We learn from war, we learn what we can do better next time, we learn what worked and what didn’t and how to best remain afloat. To be brutally honest during this war on anxiety I was a bitch, leaving causalities strewn in my wake. Today I realized what I had done, the thick curtain of anxiety lifting, the storm had past, now I need to workout what I do and don’t have to apologize for. I’ve been trying to get off my medication, but I’ve failed and the embedded reliance and unsubstantiated belief in the worth of psychiatry and psycho-pharmacology has won out.

anxiety-girl-funny-quotes

Lemonade Is Hard.

When life gives too many lemons, say “fuck off lemons, I ordered pie.”

It’s becoming way too hard to make lemonade. Life keeps throwing lemons your way but you can’t be bothered to make stupid lemonade. When you simply lack the strength and motivation to go through the motions.

When lemonade is simply too hard to make, you know that depression has definitely set in. It usually means you aren’t leaving bed or even buying groceries.

STAY POSITIVE 🙂 buy a juicer.

 

The Quiet Introspection Of One’s Life: A Short Discourse On The Dualities Of Our Realities.

Conducting a mental self-examination is useful for people with Bipolar Disorder. By introspecting themselves they become consciously aware of personality facets which they present to the ‘outside’ world. The different personality representations are part of the dual lives that people with mental illness live with, potentially masking their symptoms. It’s a balancing act to appear as a strong functioning person whilst simultaneously trying to deal with depression. When watched by others your self-portrayal varies from how you act when feeling depressed by yourself.

Quotation-Sri-Swami-Sivananda-mind-inspiration-Meetville-Quotes-237832

The honest truth is that people don’t want to hear their friends drone on and on about being depressed. Those that are suffering from depression usually don’t voice their concerns due to the perceived backlash and the lack of compassion sometimes exhibited by the people around them. It’s always living a half-life when you’re around people, people want to hear about things that directly correspond with them or which interest them, having a depressed friend doesn’t fit this criteria. The lack of empathetic understanding further alienates and stigmatises people’s understanding of depression, tolerance is slowly developing, mostly due to the increasing number of people who are experiencing depression which affects their usual functionality.

quiet-mind-hears-inner-voice

The double life takes a toll on the person, never representing a full depiction of who they are to the outside world. People need to view themselves as a ‘diamond’, multi-faceted and beautiful, each facet representing a different persona in relation to the situation and the ideologies of the people around them. The surfaces or facets make the diamond twinkle and look attractive; the facet is a visual representation of their character and the perception of their character by others. A multi-faceted personality is unlimited; we are always changing or trying to cope with the daily struggles of life. Each experience is moulding the new facet we will present and the people around us will potentially consume.

SONY DSC

We become the visual stimuli of our mind, sometimes we are the stagnant walking dead whereas in other circumstances we will present a person who is socially adept and pleasant to be around. Personally I’m exhausted from putting up so many fronts in my life; life has become a series of fronts to mollify the masses. The never ending portrayal of oneself, the more interesting question is which is the most innate personality or are all the portrayals just a depiction of the larger picture; we are all those things, but never all at once. You can only ever really perceive one whole image at any one time, changing your view to see the other.