Tag Archives: diet

My New Meditation Crutch, The Surprise Attack Of Psycho Girlfriend Syndrome.

Yesterday I was told that I need to treat myself like a car that can only take the best premium petrol, other cars can run smoothly on any fuel, yet if I don’t take particular care with what I put into my ‘car’ it won’t be running smoothly anymore. My psychologist used that metaphor, she is right, after all the festivities from Christmas, New Year, Australia Day and successive family birthdays, my body has been given foods that haven’t made me feel good. Alcohol and less time for stress relieving exercise have also played a role in my current emotional levels, the alcohol was in moderation and the exercising was down to 2days a week instead of my 4-5days. I guess it still mattered. My body and mind is tired, filled with lethargy and a bloated feeling of disgust. I forgot that my psychologist can actually have good insights sometimes. I didn’t realise that things that didn’t matter before like overindulgence and laziness actually had larger implications for my ability to maintain emotional stability.

Emotional stability is the hardest thing to maintain in my life at the moment, it’s a never ending battle; the slightest change in the breeze can change the emotional tide. I’ve been dating this guy for a few months now; I had actually forgotten what it meant to be in a relationship. It’s hard, it’s harder still to try and play it cool, failing to hide the constant anxiety over the things that he has reassured me about numerous times before. Avoiding the easy clingy nature that can develop, I don’t text often in general and I only make plans to see him a few times a week. I still feel like I’ve gone a tad ca-razy though, insecurities and tears coming all too easily. I’ve been meditating like crazy, trying to relax, searching for a mental balance. The meditating keeps me relaxed for a few hours, but after those hours its back to the same battle to reach a rational mentality – when he hasn’t spoken to you in six hours, realising that this doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested in you anymore – he works 15hr days – it’s hard to regain a rational front seat again, but it does eventually kick in.

My life has been filled with an incredible series of emotional and mental extremes, with beautiful thunderstorms and stunning sunrises. Meditating is all well and good, but it can’t be the crutch to get you through each day. I need to change the way I see things not just relieve my anxiety. Controlling my emotional triggers should be my main goal; everything else would eventually fall in line after that. I’m still constantly surprised that being in a relationship can change you into a sensitive over-reactive emotional mess. Cheers Bipolar, thanks for making life more difficult, again.

On a plus side – I baked brownies today, exercised and meditated twice today (argh what a lame crutch). Happy Monday all.

psycHOTic is a thing right?….

Best meditation apps I use:
– Stop, Breathe & Think (best one)
– Guided Meditation
– Citadel

I also like relaxing to Buddha radio on my phone.

Depression Is The New ‘Black’.

Waking up this morning I’m still so drained from the night, the vivid dreams and disorientation of waking from sleep walking. I routinely get on the scales each morning, the scales determining how I will feel about the day. Today they aren’t bad or good; I’m lying in bed knowing that I should take myself to the gym, not understanding why it has become so important for me to be skinnier. I use to become skinny as an act of revenge (obviously a healthy endeavour), not ever for myself really, but at the moment it’s become a compulsion, but why do I need to be skinny, I ask that to myself, yet each day the same routine and disappointment. I eat enough healthy meals during the day and exercise, yet nothing changes.

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Sometimes I like my scars; they show the pain that I’m going through internally. They show the struggles that my mind puts my body through. There are more scars then I remember, thin straight lines, one after the other. I touch them and I can remember the pain. The self-loathing and madness. Today they represent my pain at the moment; I’m becoming more and more discontent, a nasty edge to my demeanour. I’m withdrawing from my friends, preferring my own company. I decided that they were toxic and I needed to clean up my act, but I think it’s become worse. The discontent runs deep, what am I actually aiming for in life? I’m studying to get a job, a job that will take up nearly all my time, to live a life that seems pointless. Living in a stratified society inhibits the achievement of your dreams. In a very abstract view of life as humans our goal is to live and procreate, that’s the bottom-line, yet I can’t see myself wanting that, I can’t see a life where I will be happy. I have no desire to pass on my genes to another generation.

I know that I’m sick and twisted, but I can’t help but enjoy it. It’s a sick sad world. I can feel my hipbones start to show that little bit more, but it’s still not enough. I’m getting high distinctions for nearly all my assignments in university, but it’s still not enough. I’m eating healthy and exercising regularly, but it’s not enough. The discontentment is too deep, too overwhelming. I will not walk along the cliffs at the beach lest I get the same intrusive thoughts from before, the irresistible need to fall. I was so high for so many weeks, guess it was time for that mood to crumble and be replaced by my mental pit of despair. I drink less, party less hard, sit in the sun and exercise, yet why have I suddenly become so unhappy?

HI, my name is Alice** and I’m my own worst enemy and critic, currently enjoying the trappings of my former life. I took my meds today, I take them every day.

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  • I didn’t immediately post this, I wanted to wait and see if this wasn’t just a bad week, that I could ‘make’ myself better again, it didn’t happen. Depression is the new black; I wonder how much of this acute unhappiness we bring on ourselves and the awareness that we are our own unintentional triggers. I always try and be a positive advocate for mental health, consciously aware of what mental state I have arrived at, but sometimes powerless to lessen its effects. I don’t want to be like this, I want to be in control of my mental state of mind. I’m just going to keep trying.

The Bipolar Diet?!

The yearnings ‘no no’s’ of Bipolar.

-Alcohol (ah goodbye my friend)
-Recreational drugs or excessive caffeine intake (Think caffeine is my biggest loss)
-Toxic friends (even the ones you don’t realise, or they need to get with the new positive program)
-Discontinuing medication
-Bad sleeping habits (easier said than done to fix!!)

My bipolar express is starting to slow down, my slow descent into the pit of despair boring life.

I’m creating positive reinforcements in my life to combat social anxiety (replacing word associations – ‘awkward’ with ‘awesome’ – good self-esteem improvement). Removing the friends whose negativity makes me more withdrawn. Realising that I’m content with who I am, I’m not the extrovert, nor do I see a point in conversing with some people, usually those conversations are futile. Just because I choose not to participate in some useless group interactions doesn’t make me ‘awkward’ or ‘autistic’, there are just different types of people in the world, I just happen to ‘choose’ to not talk to people that are of little value to me. Harmful relationships are a massive negative that are likely to trigger more mood episodes, intensify the risk for self-destructive behaviour and contribute to the attitudinal perception towards yourself that undermines any stability and wellness you have achieved. Cheers, friends suck.

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