Lately I’ve become so self-absorbed, I’m not happy, I’m not anything, but maybe that’s just how I’m meant to be. We don’t get born into this life to be happy, I guess we get born to experience, whether it be happiness or sadness or anything in between. I have no reason to be unhappy, I’ve tried enough medication to know that maybe this is just the way I’m meant to be, contained in a simple and sometimes satisfactory existence, I haven’t helped anyone, I can’t even help myself.
I miss hypomania, at least I felt something more. Instead I look calm and collected on the outside, my mind constantly trying to stay afloat among the negativity on the inside. Running away will never make anything better, I need to keep reminding myself this. It seems like humans have reached a point where we keep trying to teach ourselves how we are meant to be or feel, but this doesn’t make it right. It’s not like all the other species in the world go to extreme lengths to achieve happiness from an introspective position. I keep plastering a smile on my face, going through the daily motions of the expected emotions, I keep hoping that this will get better. Maybe it will matter later, maybe it won’t, maybe I will just keep drinking my wine, and hoping sleep comes quicker, daylight always keeping the darker notions at bay.
In the altered words of the monopoly man: “Go directly to Depression; do not pass go, do not collect $200″. Its ok, I never win at monopoly anyway.
Conducting a mental self-examination is useful for people with Bipolar Disorder. By introspecting themselves they become consciously aware of personality facets which they present to the ‘outside’ world. The different personality representations are part of the dual lives that people with mental illness live with, potentially masking their symptoms. It’s a balancing act to appear as a strong functioning person whilst simultaneously trying to deal with depression. When watched by others your self-portrayal varies from how you act when feeling depressed by yourself.
The honest truth is that people don’t want to hear their friends drone on and on about being depressed. Those that are suffering from depression usually don’t voice their concerns due to the perceived backlash and the lack of compassion sometimes exhibited by the people around them. It’s always living a half-life when you’re around people, people want to hear about things that directly correspond with them or which interest them, having a depressed friend doesn’t fit this criteria. The lack of empathetic understanding further alienates and stigmatises people’s understanding of depression, tolerance is slowly developing, mostly due to the increasing number of people who are experiencing depression which affects their usual functionality.
The double life takes a toll on the person, never representing a full depiction of who they are to the outside world. People need to view themselves as a ‘diamond’, multi-faceted and beautiful, each facet representing a different persona in relation to the situation and the ideologies of the people around them. The surfaces or facets make the diamond twinkle and look attractive; the facet is a visual representation of their character and the perception of their character by others. A multi-faceted personality is unlimited; we are always changing or trying to cope with the daily struggles of life. Each experience is moulding the new facet we will present and the people around us will potentially consume.
We become the visual stimuli of our mind, sometimes we are the stagnant walking dead whereas in other circumstances we will present a person who is socially adept and pleasant to be around. Personally I’m exhausted from putting up so many fronts in my life; life has become a series of fronts to mollify the masses. The never ending portrayal of oneself, the more interesting question is which is the most innate personality or are all the portrayals just a depiction of the larger picture; we are all those things, but never all at once. You can only ever really perceive one whole image at any one time, changing your view to see the other.