I was covered in blood, by myself, vodka in hand, head not stopping its endless stream. I was sitting in near darkness, candle burning, blade in one hand and drink in the other. I was better than that, I should’ve been better, I will be better. I need to be sober. Need to stop debasing myself, my own self-ruin. I was trapped in the cage that is my mind, banging against the bars as the innately primal instinctual creature, asking myself all the unanswerable questions. Wondering if it’s all worth it. Continue reading Let It Burn. The Idealistic And Miserable Ravings Of A Self-Professed ‘Mad*’ Woman.
Wondering about bipolar and bisexuality: conflict within my sexuality concerns not being able to trust my own instincts.
“Guys love it when I tell them that I’m ‘bi’, l let them figure out the ‘polar’ part for themselves.” *** does depend on my mood though…
“Although I consider myself heterosexual, when I’m manic, anything goes. What does this say about sex and the brain? “
My extreme moods are when I’m usually more interested in women, my more ‘normal’ and stable moods usually opt for ‘straight’ me. Depression just leads to zero drive. Im attracted to both sexes, but its usually completely dependent on the intensity of my mood swings. How can a person trust their instincts and go into a relationship when its dependent on a simple switch of a mood, it becomes a very unclear state of mind.
Easiest way to put it: during hypomania: its like BAM: you’re bisexual, must buy button-ups and male cologne, in the months that follow I won’t even have a single female orientated fantasy and be adamant that I’m straight. It gets expensive maintaining both a straight and gay wardrobe.
My psychologist has put it down to my early 20’s where sexual exploration is natural. After doing some reading it is becoming a lot clearer that many other people with BP2 also experience extreme shifts in their sexual orientation during periods of hypomania. I’m not saying that hypomania causes bisexuality, just that the sex drive is increased and the impulsivity is heightened. I’m starting to wonder what the outcome will be when my mood stabilizers and I realize I am in a monogamous lesbian relationship. Should be interesting. Fuck.