Lately I’ve become so self-absorbed, I’m not happy, I’m not anything, but maybe that’s just how I’m meant to be. We don’t get born into this life to be happy, I guess we get born to experience, whether it be happiness or sadness or anything in between. I have no reason to be unhappy, I’ve tried enough medication to know that maybe this is just the way I’m meant to be, contained in a simple and sometimes satisfactory existence, I haven’t helped anyone, I can’t even help myself.
I miss hypomania, at least I felt something more. Instead I look calm and collected on the outside, my mind constantly trying to stay afloat among the negativity on the inside. Running away will never make anything better, I need to keep reminding myself this. It seems like humans have reached a point where we keep trying to teach ourselves how we are meant to be or feel, but this doesn’t make it right. It’s not like all the other species in the world go to extreme lengths to achieve happiness from an introspective position. I keep plastering a smile on my face, going through the daily motions of the expected emotions, I keep hoping that this will get better. Maybe it will matter later, maybe it won’t, maybe I will just keep drinking my wine, and hoping sleep comes quicker, daylight always keeping the darker notions at bay.
In the altered words of the monopoly man: “Go directly to Depression; do not pass go, do not collect $200″. Its ok, I never win at monopoly anyway.