It’s becoming more and more tedious, the constant unchangeable level of emotion. I want my creative passionate highs and my long nightly social jaunts back. My apparently ‘euthymic’ stage is getting tiresome, the appeal of sexual debauchery is so high, the appeal of reckless driving is growing more attractive, not in a fundamentally hypomanic way, I miss the old highs. My mind has become sober and is craving its old haunts. I want to enjoy the trappings of my former life. It’s as if my old life has been put on ice and I’m currently experiencing the oxygen withdrawals and the hypothermic low temperature when I usually enjoy the heat.
I realize that when my stable ‘sober’ mind reappears it will have a lot of explaining to do, but I’m stable now and I’m bored, I’m bored of myself. I’m starting to recognize that I like who I am regardless of a mental health diagnosis, my ups and downs serve to reiterate and make me value the better times, I believe people can’t experience true happiness without first experience true sadness. I’m sitting at home twiddling my thumbs thinking “so what comes next?!” I’m not happy or sad, just an in-between irritating state. How is this normalcy?! I’m not even on anti-depressants, yet it feels like the atmosphere has a monotonous ambiance, with a dreary lacklustre song playing on repeat in the background. Not to mention my current feelings of asexuality, I’m like a vegetable that has a gender but lacks the incentive to do anything (had two very nice men ask me on dates, refused both with a nonchalant response, I just couldn’t be bothered).
I’m aware that this sounds like anhedonia (a symptom of depression, loss of interest in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities) but I’m not depressed, I haven’t been crying, I’ve been participating in a modicum of social activities, yet it’s just different.