Let It Burn. The Idealistic And Miserable Ravings Of A Self-Professed ‘Mad*’ Woman.

I was covered in blood, by myself, vodka in hand, head not stopping its endless stream. I was sitting in near darkness, candle burning, blade in one hand and drink in the other. I was better than that, I should’ve been better, I will be better. I need to be sober. Need to stop debasing myself, my own self-ruin. I was trapped in the cage that is my mind, banging against the bars as the innately primal instinctual creature, asking myself all the unanswerable questions. Wondering if it’s all worth it.

The Femme Fatale Mania.

Hypomania for me can feel a bit like a power trip, my eyes are glazed with excitement, red dress, red lipstick, legs for days and very provoking eyes – on numerous occasions I’ve been told that I have very intense eyes or ‘sex eyes’. It contrasts a lot to my usual black clothing and asocial nature. After these conquests I usually have to take ownership for the wreckage I’ve left behind, the awareness that I’ve hurt people. I like to fade into the shadows and hang on the outskirts of groups, but hypomania makes me the centre, colourful and full of too much life. I also tend to have a severe need to change and little patience in achieving it, sometimes resulting in more piercings or hair colour/cut changes.

Anyone else think that Taylor Swift’s song ‘Shake It Off’ resonates with aspects of mania?

I’m not one to listen to mainstream music unless I’m working-out, but for some reason this song just hit some cords when I was hypomanic.

♪♪ “I stay out too late. Got nothing in my brain. That’s what people say…I go on too many dates…Can’t stop, won’t stop moving…It’s like I got this music, in my mind, saying, “It’s gonna be alright…I’m lightning on my feet…I’m dancing on my own, I make the moves up as I go…”♪♪

The song reminds me of a combination of ‘innocent’ and ‘femme fatale’ stages of my hypomania. The differences between hypomania and normality are the fact that I wouldn’t make the same decisions if I had been at my normal baseline.

“I go on too many dates”: At these times I get the ‘come hither’ air about me, usually getting exactly what I want from that person, using myself provocatively to achieve my ends. Manic women can appear extremely alluring when they are experiencing the ‘must have’ mentality in regard to sex, the airs of confidence and self-indulgence in pleasure. At the time it seems like the best possible idea, so excitable and care free.  I always look back on those times of complete confidence with disbelief, seeing how misguided and delusional I was at the time, yet how you are incapable of realisng that it was a bad idea until much later. A lot of people say that you ‘knowingly’ carry out your actions, I disagree, I believe my judgement becomes extremely clouded, my perception of normal has been shot out of a window.

The song ‘whore’ by ‘In This Moment’ also has some pretty stirring lyrics:
♪♪“I’m the girl you’re thinking about
The one thing you can’t live without
Yeah, I’m the girl you’ve been waiting for
I’ll have you down on your knees
I’ll have you begging for more” ♪♪

Epilim Killed The Sex-Drive.

My emotions have hit a mental wall. Am I meant to feel this way; the mental exhaustion is wearing thin. In the past few weeks I’ve become aware that the mood stabilizer I’m taking has killed my sex drive (libido). I don’t think I’m depressed, I just don’t seem to care either, not dispassionate, just lacking both my highs and lows, I’m not unmotivated but I’m not my usual perky self. The medication hasn’t affected my ability, but I’m not seeking anything either. I’ve looked at other reports of Epilim killing sex drives; guess it’s not only me.

Feels like I’ve been stabilized emotionally, but I’ve been stabilized in a mild depressive state. Epilim allows me to be less anxious and I also believe it made me cycle out of hypomania. This feeling of mild depression makes me less functional, for the first time in weeks I actually had an afternoon nap. The first weeks of taking 500mg to start off with had a lot of nausea, currently at the end of week two of taking Epilim and at a 1000mg dose the nausea seems to have abated. I’m hoping that my functionality towards tasks will increase again; I don’t want to let myself get bogged down. I’m not sexually promiscuous, but I can be a bit demanding, having that part of me missing is extremely bizarre and foreign. Epilim is a good mood stabilizer but I would like the small depressive symptoms to abate.

Hypo & Bisexuality?

Wondering about bipolar and bisexuality: conflict within my sexuality concerns not being able to trust my own instincts.

“Guys love it when I tell them that I’m ‘bi’, l let them figure out the ‘polar’ part for themselves.” *** does depend on my mood though…

“Although I consider myself heterosexual, when I’m manic, anything goes. What does this say about sex and the brain? “

My extreme moods are when I’m usually more interested in women, my more ‘normal’ and stable moods usually opt for ‘straight’ me. Depression just leads to zero drive. Im attracted to both sexes, but its usually completely dependent on the intensity of my mood swings. How can a person trust their instincts and go into a relationship when its dependent on a simple switch of a mood, it becomes a very unclear state of mind.

Easiest way to put it: during hypomania: its like BAM: you’re bisexual, must buy button-ups and male cologne, in the months that follow I won’t even have a single female orientated fantasy and be adamant that I’m straight. It gets expensive maintaining both a straight and gay wardrobe.

My psychologist has put it down to my early 20’s where sexual exploration is natural. After doing some reading it is becoming a lot clearer that many other people with BP2 also experience extreme shifts in their sexual orientation during periods of hypomania. I’m not saying that hypomania causes bisexuality, just that the sex drive is increased and the impulsivity  is heightened. I’m starting to wonder what the outcome will be when my mood stabilizers and I realize I am in a monogamous lesbian relationship. Should be interesting. Fuck.